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February 10, 2005 - Muslim New Year 1426

Is it something in the water?  I’ve heard of the dormant Arab Street, but never thought the day would come when my eyes would feel so heavy that I would just want to close them and fall asleep. Even the sound of early morning gunshots didn’t raise my interest.

When was my natural curiosity reduced to a need to know basis? How did I become such a pro at self censorship that I no longer notice that what I don’t say is far more important than the hollow words coming out of my mouth, or from my keyboard?

Today, my dear friend Corinne, who publishes YayaCanada.com, sent me a Happy New Year greeting, and I laughed at myself as I wrote my thanks, for without her e-card I would never have known why today is a day off work, and I would never have cared to ask.

It's true that I was awakened by gunshots this morning.  A few noisy gunshots. Not enough to think Israel had made it into the heart of Amman, but enough to think there may have been an assassination.  Oops...I mean targeted killing.

But the bed was warm and the children were sleeping and we have gotten used to unusual things happening around us, so I just went back to sleep.  Then there were car horns beeping; two short beeps and one long one.  Lots of cars, lots of noise and, once in a while, a gunshot or two.

I got out of bed thinking, okay, so it is a public holiday and people are shooting guns and beeping their car horns. Either they are mourning or they’re celebrating something.  Maybe another Arab leader has died – if so what difference does it make?  The new ones are always the same as, if not worse than, the old ones.

Maybe they are celebrating the anniversary of a royal death or birth.  “That’s cool,” my children would say, “so long as we can skip school”.

It wasn't until the end of the day that I learned from a cab driver what the noise had been about - the high school results were out, and those who had passed with great marks were beeping their horns.  And their parents…well…a few of the parents were shooting guns in the air.

But that did not explain the day off work which, thanks to my non-Muslim friend, I now know was in honour of the Muslim New Year.

Yes, I am becoming slowly disengaged. I am blending in with the Arab Street. My eyes have seen enough and I am overwhelmed by the helplessness of the Arab situation. My fire is now a flimsy flame and, like Pink Floydd, “I … I’ve become comfortably numb”.

I've lost interest in Arab T.V.  It's all about one thing presented in two different ways: flesh and lots of it, either served up hot, sexy and steamy - and no one does that better than Lebanon’s LBC - or wounded, dead and decayed - for which Al-Jazeera stands the winner.

Al-Jazeera's news is all so…what’s the word…repetitive, theatrical, unreal, or better yet, irrelevant.  The peace talks, the negotiations, the summits, the speeches, the two for one election fiasco in January - all are irrelevant. The people here have real issues that are not and will not be addressed.

Here is what they talk about: check points, borders, residency, visas, permits, nationalities, passports, papers …papers …papers …papers ...in fact, the reality of the Palestinians can be summed up in a word: papers. They need them, but most of the time they can’t get them.

Now I stand transfixed, trying to digest my experiences of the past six months, the refugee camps, the politics, my growing lack of interest in politics, and my impatience with the news.

I let my eyes get a little bit heavier. I will not be angry the next time the Arab Street does nothing.  I have lived their pain, and more than anything I understand their fear.  I see how the US-Israeli strings move us around like puppets.  I am seduced by the comfort zone of apathy and sweet, complete surrender.  The Arab Street is dormant and, in this moment, I am at one with it.

Samah Sabawi, originally from Gaza and whose permanent residence is now Ottawa, is a writer, playwright and well-known activist. Her articles appear in several popular online journals.  Her Palestinian Diary is exclusive to YayaCanada.


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